Unwanted Goddess

Almost a contradiction upon itself, but there it is. I know that this post is going to start to ramble, so bear with me.

This is boy #3 that has given me the "it's not you, it's me line." Really the only common denominator I see is me. It's almost enough to give me a complex...almost. I've asked, "Was I too clingy?" No. "Was I too distant?" No. "Was I too affectionate, or not enough?" No. "Did I do something to hurt or offend you?" No. THEN WHAT THE HELL?! I'm not so stupid that I buy that there isn't anything that is causing the guys I am seeing to spontaneously reject me, and then burst into flames. Okay, they don't burst into flames. Although the flames might be kinda cool.

I know some of the things that caused my marriage to end, but those are all things that I have worked on and improved. Even the Ex says that I am a changed woman and I am a catch. Odd I know, but yes I still talk with him, even about boy issues. After knowing each other for over 11 years there are certain insights that we have on each other that allow us to understand each other better than most. Not that it helped our marriage. It probably hurt it in the end. We each know exactly where to stick the knife to do the most damage. Of coarse, when we want we can also sooth one another.

I have to say that the first two weren't really a surprise. The first wants different things from life than I do. I see that. I have no problem letting that go and I still talk to him. The next guy was an emotional wreck. Not over his last girlfriend and I felt more like a leaning post that a girlfriend. There was also the problem that he would never use my name with anyone. I was just "The Girl I'm Seeing." I had some issues with that, and when he decided that he wasn't really able to be in a relationship I agreed, told him that I was sad things didn't work out, and he was actually a great guy.

This last one I will admit was a blindside of mammoth proportions. Four days earlier we were "Amazing together," and then he just wants to be single. WHAT?! Hello, Confusion? This is Char. Do you know what just happened, because I might have just pooped my pants. Again there is nothing that he would say caused it on my part and there was nothing that I could have done to avoid it. Well, damn. The night before I had been trying to think of how I was going to tell him that I loved him. Ironically, he was probably working out how to break up with me. Like I said. Blindsided.

I remember when I was 16 and had a male friend that I really liked and wouldn't have minded being a little more than friends with. We were driving from Forest Lake to Stacy and he was lamenting his current dating situation while I listened like a good friend. When he started in on the woes of not having a girlfriend I gathered up my courage and cahonies and asked what about me. You could date me. His response stays with me until today. With a laugh he looked at me and said, "Your the type of girl that you marry, not date." Even at 16 I saw the fatal flaw in that logic. I didn't plan on marrying someone that I didn't date, so this could be a problem.

I know that I'm not perfect. There are lots of things that I do that could be annoying, or personality traits that could conflict. For the most part I have become a pretty happy-go-lucky girl that still looks up after being kicked to the ground. I have it on good authority, from my dogs, that I am totally awesome person deserving of love. I think that there is a lot that I can offer the right somebody and I'm not going to give up.

What does the future hold? Good question. A little more me time I guess. I was falling behind on my reading anyway. My mom asked if i was going to hop back on eHarmony and look again. I don't think so. This last one got to me. I don't think that I will be picking up and moving on quite yet. I'm still head over heels and my stubborn heart isn't ready to let go. There lies one of my imperfections I guess.